


Bangin'

by Anonymous



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation, The X-Files
Genre: Deliberate Bad Art, Deliberate Badfic, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 21:55:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3625677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AND THEN THEY BANG.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bangin'

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Naraht](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naraht/gifts).



> You say in your letter than you're a BNF because people from FFA hate you. I'm from FFA and I've never heard of you, so I think you're lying so I hate you so I used a story generator for this and didn't even read the result so there.

It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Dana Scully, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly relieved, Dana Scully hit a dull pencil, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, she realized that her beloved transporter was missing! Immediately she called her redheaded stepchild of a 'friend', Beverly Crusher. Dana Scully had known Beverly Crusher for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Beverly Crusher was unique. She was charismatic though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Dana Scully called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Beverly Crusher picked up to a very sad Dana Scully. Beverly Crusher calmly assured her that most disease-carrying chipmunks cringe before mating, yet legless puppies usually explosively yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Dana Scully. Why was Beverly Crusher trying to distract Dana Scully? Because she had snuck out from Dana Scully's with the transporter only four days prior. It was a eccentric little transporter... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Dana Scully got back to the subject at hand: her transporter. Beverly Crusher panicked. Relunctantly, Beverly Crusher invited her over, assuring her they'd find the transporter. Dana Scully grabbed her hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Beverly Crusher realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the transporter and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Dana Scully took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, she had take at least six minutes before Dana Scully would get there. But if she took the Entreprise? Then Beverly Crusher would be ridiculously screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Beverly Crusher was interrupted by seven insensitive elephants that were lured by her transporter. Beverly Crusher panicked; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling exasperated, she aggressively reached for her dull pencil and skillfully slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Entreprise rolling up. It was Dana Scully.

\----o0o---- 

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so she knew she was running late. With a hasty leap, Dana Scully was out of the Entreprise and went sassily jaunting toward Beverly Crusher's front door. Meanwhile inside, Beverly Crusher was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the transporter into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind her giraffe. Beverly Crusher was puzzled but at least the transporter was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Beverly Crusher scandalously purred. With a apt push, Dana Scully opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted genocidal maniac in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Beverly Crusher assured her. Dana Scully took a seat ridiculously unclose to where Beverly Crusher had hidden the transporter. Beverly Crusher panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Dana Scully was distracted. As if it really mattered Beverly Crusher noticed a stupid look on Dana Scully's face. Dana Scully slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Beverly Crusher felt a stabbing pain in her taint when Dana Scully asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the transporter right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Dana Scully's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dana Scully nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Beverly Crusher could react, Dana Scully recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The transporter was plainly in view.

Dana Scully stared at Beverly Crusher for what what must've been ten minutes. Absolutely thrilled, Beverly Crusher groped earnestly in Dana Scully's direction, clearly desperate. Dana Scully grabbed the transporter and bolted for the door. It was locked. Beverly Crusher let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dana Scully,' she rebuked. Beverly Crusher always had been a little insensitive, so Dana Scully knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Beverly Crusher did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at her or something. A few unsatisfying minutes later, she gripped her transporter tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Beverly Crusher looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dana Scully. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Dana Scully. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Beverly Crusher walked over to the window and looked down. Dana Scully was gone.

\----o0o---- 

Just yonder, Dana Scully was struggling to make her way through the foxy forest behind Beverly Crusher's place. Dana Scully had severely hurt her ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral elephants suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the transporter. One by one they latched on to Dana Scully. Already weakened from her injury, Dana Scully yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of elephants running off with her transporter.

But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored Dana Scully's transporter. Feeling relieved, God smote the elephants for their injustice. Then He got in His rice rocket and darted away with the fortitude of 61 South American hissing sloths running from a huge pack of Indonesian devil cats. Dana Scully danced with joy when she saw this. Her transporter was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes her favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When long-haired sea monkeys meet unborn fetus'). Dana Scully was ecstatic. And so, everyone except Beverly Crusher and a few contraceptive-toting disease-carrying chipmunks lived blissfully happy, forever after.

*** L337 Story Generator v1.0  
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present  
*** Forever pwning with earnest.


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